Offseason Respite – Sports Rant of the Year Nominees

As NC State fans, we are quite familiar with the rant. It’s pretty much our last remaining defense mechanism, after decades of futility and embarrassment. But others in the sports world have to vent, too – and I share with you this epic rant from the top-notch NFL humor blog Kissing Suzy Kolber:

It’s fitting that it would come this. For years and years, I have fucking loathed Brett Favre with every fiber of my being. He is the single most self-aggrandizing piece of shit who ever walked the Earth, the most blatantly phony human being in America this side of Bobby Bowden. Say what you will of openly douchebaggy people like Matt Leinart or Spencer Pratt. At least there are no illusions when it comes to those gents’ intentions. Everything about Favre – from his style of play to his carefully cultivated everyman image – is complete bullshit, and everything about the man is tiresome, to the point where bitching about him being tiresome has become an even more tiresome enterprise than whatever it is that makes him tiresome to begin with. Not only am I sick of this dipshit, but I’m sick of being sick of him. And I resent that everyone is so tired of hating him, that I’m beating a dead horse by still hating him.

Don’t be satisfied with our excerpt – read the whole blessed thing (warning – much profanity). Nominate others in the comments section. But you’ll have a hard time topping this one.

About BJD95

1995 NC State graduate, sufferer of Les and MOC during my entire student tenure. An equal-opportunity objective critic and analyst of Wolfpack sports.

NCS Football

24 Responses to Offseason Respite – Sports Rant of the Year Nominees

  1. bradleyb123 05/07/2009 at 9:04 AM #

    Brett Favre rules!!!

  2. Noah 05/07/2009 at 9:10 AM #

    Why would someone spend all day licking a radiator?

  3. codebrown 05/07/2009 at 9:32 AM #

    Who is this Brett Favara guy? Is he related to Jon Favreau?

  4. highstick 05/07/2009 at 9:41 AM #

    Brett even named himself after watching the old TV show, Maverick. After Bart, there had to be a Brett!

    Just like George Steinbrenner soured me on Yankee history, Brett is doing the same to my Packer memories before him.

  5. Noah 05/07/2009 at 9:50 AM #

    To be honest, I don’t care whether Brett Favre plays this year or not. My only problem with it is the daily (HOURLY!) will-he-or-won’t-he thing that pollutes all of sports radio.

    Fans should take a pledge to immediately change the channel whenever any of this nonsense comes up.

    He is GOING to play this year. He won’t be very good and by Halloween, Vikings fans will be recalling the good ol’ days when Tavaris Jackson’s passes were incomplete rather than being caught by the other team.

    “Remember when we used to get to punt?”

  6. Classof89 05/07/2009 at 9:52 AM #

    “Why would someone spend all day licking a radiator?”

    Maybe licking radiator=lead poisoning=brain damage=creative way of saying “you are a retard”? Or am I writing way too much into this metaphor?

  7. Classof89 05/07/2009 at 9:54 AM #

    Agreed on the wall to wall media coverage. ESPN is an abomination. national sports radio is worse. I only listen to the locally produced sports talk shows these days…

  8. harrisek 05/07/2009 at 9:55 AM #

    At what point does a rant become a tirade? I think this guy found it.

  9. Packman02 05/07/2009 at 9:58 AM #

    Brett Favre has become the Rolling Stones; his sad, predictable (and now standard) 4 INT/game performances are the NFL equivalent of a sequened-tuxedoed Mick Jagger hop-scotching around stage, belting out an unispired, mariachi band backed ‘Street Fighting Man’…

    Just sad.

  10. BJD95 05/07/2009 at 10:05 AM #

    At least Elway had the dignity to let the agony of post-stardom existence just screw up his personal life, rather than play 3 years after his expiration date with the Broncos, followed by embarrassing stints with the Giants and Chiefs.

    I can’t listen to local sports radio because they insist on putting callers on the air. And whenever Favre is in the air, can’t listen to ESPN radio, either. Just music for me, at least for the near future.

  11. 61Packer 05/07/2009 at 10:44 AM #

    Brett isn’t everything, he’s the only thing.

  12. JSherm54 05/07/2009 at 11:30 AM #
  13. Noah 05/07/2009 at 11:35 AM #

    I can’t listen to local sports radio because they insist on putting callers on the air.

    Ugh. Nothing worse than callers. Well…yes there is. Athletes.

    Let’s talk to people who either aren’t experts or are incapable of communication!

  14. SouthernWolf 05/07/2009 at 11:50 AM #

    Brett’s problem is he is afraid that people will forget about him. He will end up like the guy from the Bruce Springsteen song “Glory Days”

    I don’t mind an athlete wanting to still play the game. I imagine it is hard to walk away from. However I do mind athletes playing out their decisions through the media. Consult with ones close to you and make up your own mind. If you do not know what you want to do then don’t take interviews.

  15. howlie 05/07/2009 at 12:53 PM #

    After reading that, I feel like saying–knowing it will do me no good–
    “DON’T TAZE ME MAAAAN, DON’T TAZE ME!”

    Perhaps the little guey who didn’t want Brittney being made fun of could be contacted to do a ‘reply’ protecting Brett?

  16. GAWolf 05/07/2009 at 2:39 PM #

    Speaking of rants: This is pretty crass, but it’s hilarious.

    To: John Madden
    CC: Electronic Arts Sports
    From: Ethan Albright
    Re: Being the worst rated player on Madden ‘07

    Hi, John, my name is Ethan Albright. I play line for the Washington Redskins. You probably already knew that, so I’ll continue. I am writing in regards to the overall player rating of 53 that I have received in Madden NFL Football 2007. I feel that this is fucking bullshit and you should kiss my mother-fucking ass. Ahmed Carroll was rated a 78 and the Packers just cut his ass on a Tuesday morning after his performance in a Monday night game. That is pretty terrible. The worst part is that his overall rating was sniffing 80.

    You know what, John? Two can play this game. I rate you a fucking 12. I rate you a fucking 12 in Ethan Albright Football 2000-ever… except for in the category of ball-licking. That is where I will spot you a 98 rating. You will receive this score because I will never give your blubbery ass a 99 in any category. Take that, pencil-dick. Go do Al Micheals or something. Boom. Score one for Red Beard.

    It’s also pretty wonderful that my awareness rating was 59. You make it sound like I wake up in the morning, helplessly shit and piss myself, then lose three of my teeth before I discover that I am trying to eat a rock for breakfast. Fuck, John, I understand you saying that I am slow and lacking athleticism, but a rating like this pretty much labels me as retarded. Rod “He Hate Me” Smart has a 52 in this category. Electronic Arts is saying that seven rating points separate me and the breathing embodiment of the perfect oxymoron. Rod Smart struggled to arrange words in sentence form. Cave men had better hold of the English language. The only actions that separate point values of ignorance at this embarrassing level are things like using your own toothbrush to wipe your ass. I basically edged out Rod by my lack of shit teeth. If I take a night school class, could you bump me up to a 60?

    I guess I just can’t fathom the fact that I am the absolute worst player rated out of the entire NFL. Fuck, man, there are some shitty guys out there. Amongst everyone, I was rated the absolute worst.

    I have received the impression that you feel that I am lacking in the agility category. I should consider a walk through my living room where I don’t crash through a wall or kick over furniture a resounding success. My agility rating on your game is 33. It makes it sound like I just topple over if I start walking too fast. Ted Washington is rated a 40 in agility. He is listed at 365 pounds. If Ted Washington tied a white lady up and made her wear a metal bikini, he’d look just like Jabba the Hut.

    Red Alert!
    John, you are such a fucking dick. I also noticed that my kick return rating was a 0. I was rated a fucking zero? So you feel that I shouldn’t even receive a 10, or even a 5? You are pretty much saying that I couldn’t even fall forward on a ball kicked in my direction. I would just stand there and let the ball bounce off of my fucking face. Fuck that, John, I returned an onside kick 6 yards in 2002. You should have just slapped a – 4 on me and had the EA staff ambush me with paintball guns.

    Finally, I would like to comment on an unlikely topic, my pass coverage ratings. I see that I am a better at man-to-man coverage (31) than zone (21). Fuck me sideways with a lunchbox. Where did these scores even come from? How much time is spent coming up with the pass coverage ratings of offensive lineman? Can I have that job? Let’s see here, I think that Orlando Pace would be slightly better at jumping intermediate routes than Larry Allen. While I’m at it, I can assign the passing ratings for offensive lineman as well. I can use mine as a guide.

    I was rated with a throwing power of 17 and accuracy of 16. Orlando Pace has a 22 power and 17 accuracy rating. Did someone at EA really put time into figuring out that Orlando Pace edges out Ethan Albright in both throwing power and accuracy? I will challenge him any day. My horrible passer ratings are of greatest misfortune to my son, Red Beard Jr. The poor boy is not only hideously ugly and covered by freakishly large freckles. He also has to suffer through playing catch with me and my senile-elderly-woman-type passer ratings. A session of tossing the pigskin usually consists of me missing my son by thirty yards in sporadic directions. I led him in front of a fire truck once and my wife kicked my ass. This is because of my 76 toughness rating. Yes, a 76 is far better than the other ratings, but I’m a fucking lineman, damn it. NFL Linemen are considered to be synonymous with toughness. According to your game, I am a retarded, uncoordinated, pussy-ass fuckwad that can’t fall on a kickoff, throw, or spell. I am, however, slightly better at manning up on a receiver than dropping into zone coverage. You lose your mind more and more each year, old man.

    When I’m not snapping balls, I snap necks.
    Fuck you, John. Please expect to find red pubes in various meals you consume for the rest of your life. If you fuck with Ethan Albright, you call down the thunder.

    Rot in Hell,

    Ethan Albright

  17. Noah 05/07/2009 at 3:07 PM #

    !!!

    (didn’t Ethan Albright go to Carolina?)

  18. Thinkpack17 05/07/2009 at 3:15 PM #

    Ethan,

    That….was….glorious.

    Forever in Your Debt,

    Thinkpack17

  19. BJD95 05/07/2009 at 3:29 PM #

    That was in The Onion, right?

  20. anti-smurf 05/07/2009 at 3:43 PM #

    Oh man – those were GREAT! STill one of my alltime favs – the OK State coach going off about being a man!

    “I’M A MAN! I’M 40!” I about choked first time I heard that!

    I think next Madden game I get, I’m going to take that Albright guy and immediately bump his ratings up to God-like status! lol!

  21. GAWolf 05/07/2009 at 4:02 PM #

    I’m not sure BJD. I just saw if for the first time last week.

  22. LKNpackfan 05/07/2009 at 4:02 PM #

    holy shit. Giglio’s going on the record in May, pronouncing State as Atlantic Division champs.
    This is a weird feeling, optimism.

  23. Thinkpack17 05/07/2009 at 4:07 PM #

    Looks like some guys from a sports website wrote it.

  24. Wulfpack 05/07/2009 at 7:55 PM #

    I used to be a huge Favre fan. Not so much anymore. Frankly, I’m happy he’s finally decided to hang it up. Nothing worse than seeing a washed up star struggle to tie his own shoes.

    The media’s infauation with him is sickening. Favre was a GREAT player for a shitload of years. Now, he SUCKS. That’s the truth. I gave into the hype and drafted him in my fantasy league last year when he went to the Jets. Big mistake. I finished last and ended the year with Sage F-ing Rosenfelsas my starter. If that doesn’t say it, I don’t know what does.

    That Okie State coache’s rant was classic!

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