New Pack Football Spokesman Talks To Media

SFN Note: Thanks to Cardiff Giant for his second parody home run of the week. Yesterday he chimed in with a hilarious interview with Tommy Hunt after Jeff had blogged a great one about Hunt’s recent comments.

Newly hired North Carolina State Assistant Sports Information Director Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf, better known as “Baghdad Bob� from his term as Iraqi Information Minister during the Iraq War, held his first press conference today as “personal spokesman� for Wolfpack football coach Chuck Amato. Here’s a sampling of what he had to say:

Mr. al-Sahaf: Thank you gentlemen for coming. I will tell you the absolute truth. Lying is forbidden in the Murphy Center. Coach Amato will tolerate nothing but truthfulness as he is a man of great honor and integrity. Everyone is encouraged to speak freely of the truths evidenced in their eyes and hearts. Now, gentlemen of the press, your questions:

Q. How do you respond to media criticism of Coach Amato’s comments regarding the University of Akron, and other schools, having “partial qualifiers�?

A: Our initial assessment is that they will all die. The American press is all about lies! All they tell is lies, lies and more lies!

Q. Mr. al-Sahaf…

A. Call me Bob.

Q. … Bob then, are you saying that Coach Amato was misquoted?

A. I can say, and I am responsible for what I am saying, that the media have started to commit suicide under the walls of Carter-Finley Stadium. We will encourage them to commit more suicides quickly. We are not afraid of the media. Allah has condemned them. They are stupid. They are stupid …and they are condemned!

Q. With respect, Mr. Information Minister, what we haven’t heard you say is whether Coach Amato actually blames his team’s recent loss to Akron on partial qualifiers. I mean, isn’t Akron the kind of team a program like N.C. State should beat, easily?

A. Akron? We made them drink poison on Saturday and Coach Amato and his great forces gave the Zips a lesson that will not be forgotten by history. Truly. On this occasion, I am not going to mention the number of the Zips who were confused and the number of poor calls by the officials. The operation continues.

Q. Are you saying that N.C. State did not actually lose to Akron, because of the officials?

A. The officials? These are criminals. The whole word can hear the warning sirens. This criminal sitting in the ACC office is a pathetic criminal and his Coordinator of Football Officials, Mr. Tommy Hunt, deserves to be beaten. These criminals lie to the world because they are criminals by nature and conditioning. They consider this a fair game? Shame on you! You will forever be shamed! You have ruined the reputation of the ACC in the most terrible way! Shame on you! And we will destroy you!

Q. Are you saying the officials did not control the game correctly, sir?

A. Who are in control, they are not in control of anything – they don’t even control themselves! The officials, they always depend on a method what I call … stupid, silly. All I ask is check yourselves. Do not in fact repeat their lies.

Q. But are you saying Akron did not actually win the game last Saturday, Bob?

A. There was no Zips victory in Raleigh. Never! They’re not even with 100 miles of Raleigh. They are not in any place. They hold no place in Carter-Finley. I triple guarantee you, there are no Akron players in Carter-Finley!

Q. Mr. Information Minister, I want to return to the subject of Coach’s Amato’s recent comments. Coach Amato apparently referred to Fresno State as having “partial qualifiers,� yet the Fresno State coach has responded by saying he has none on the team. Does Coach Amato want to clarify his prior comments?

A. I have detailed information about the situation…which completely proves that what the Fresno State coach alleges are illusions . . . They lie every day!

Q. Fresno State lies every day? Is Coach Amato not concerned that he might have made an inaccurate statement about the Fresno State program?

A. No I am not scared, and neither should you be. These cowards have no morals. They have no shame about lying. I speak better English than this villain Pat Hill, the coach at Fresno State.

Q. And the media are lying too, by reporting the statements, is that your position, sir?

A. I blame the News and Observer – they are marketing for the Carolina University!

Q. Some people are saying that Coach Amato’s comments, not the media, are out of control, sir.

A. We are in control. They are in a state of hysteria. Losers, they think that by telling lies about Coach Amato and trying to distort the feelings of the people they will win. I think they will not win, those bastards!

Q. Mr. Information Minister, Coach Hill at Fresno State has issued a challenge to play the Wolfpack in Boise, or at any free time on their schedule. How do you respond to that?

A. God will roast their stomachs in hell at the hands of Coach Amato! They’re coming to surrender or be burned in their helmets.

Q. So you think N.C. State would win a game against Fresno State?

A. They are most welcome. We will butcher them.

Q. With this Akron loss and all this controversy, how do you like the Pack’s chances against upcoming ACC opponents?

A. My feelings – as usual – we will slaughter them all!

Q. Bob, Coach Amato has lost the last two meetings to arch rival North Carolina. Any prediction on how this year’s game will turn out?

A. We will welcome them with bullets and shoes. They will be burnt. We are going to tackle them!

Q. Some people are saying that UNC coach John Bunting has his team better prepared for this rival game than Coach Amato. What do you say about that?

A. Their failure in this regard is abysmal. They want to tell the world changes thought – as a matter of fact, they do not respect the world, they want to tell taxpayers and the domestic public to keep them deceived. We will embroil them, confuse them and keep them in the red zone. They have begun to tell more lies so that they might continue with the perpetration of their crimes. May they be accursed.

Q. So, does Coach Amato guarantee a victory?

A. We will kill them all……..most of them. Because we will behead you all! Our estimates are that none of them will come out alive unless they surrender to us quickly.

Q. Any final statement or clarification of Coach Amato’s previous comments, sir?

A. We will defeat Southern Miss on Saturday. God willing, I will provide you with more information. I swear by God, I swear by God, those who are staying in ESPN and have thrown these mercenaries in a crematorium. As for the media, please, please! The media are relying on what I called yesterday a desperate and stupid method.

Turn your stupid and desperate methods on Coach K of Duke College, who looks to me like a Hitler of sorts but loses to Greeks, hah! Thank you gentlemen of the press.

Q. Thank you, Mr. al-Sahaf.


31 Responses to New Pack Football Spokesman Talks To Media

  1. Cardiff Giant 09/13/2006 at 2:21 PM #

    Incidentally, barring name changes, these are almost all verbatim quotations, including “We are going to tackle them.”

  2. BJD95 09/13/2006 at 2:27 PM #

    More funny stuff. Thanks. I have missed that guy…

  3. cfpack03 09/13/2006 at 2:30 PM #

    If we lose to Southern Miss on Saturday, the terrorists have already won

  4. BladenWolf 09/13/2006 at 2:30 PM #

    Does this mean the Coach will be crawling out of the spiderhole soon?

  5. Cardiff Giant 09/13/2006 at 2:38 PM #

    Standard disclaimers:

    No, I don’t think Chuck Amato is just like Saddam Hussein.

    No, I don’t think my school is like a tyrannical dictatorship.

    No, I don’t hate NC State. Or Chuck.

    Yes, I think Baghdad Bob is probably a better media spokesperson than Anabelle Vaughan. But that’s just my personal opinion.

    Yes, I thought Chuck’s quoted comments of the past few days were so ridiculous they reminded me of Bob. So, I decided to see what it would be like for Bob to defend them.

  6. redfred2 09/13/2006 at 2:51 PM #

    I haven’t read word, but that picture is funny as hell!!!

  7. Cardiff Giant 09/13/2006 at 2:57 PM #

    ^ I cannot take credit for the picture. It was not my work.

  8. redfred2 09/13/2006 at 3:03 PM #

    That is too funny Mr Giant!!! or Bob, sorry.


  9. BoKnowsNCS71 09/13/2006 at 3:10 PM #

    Well now the News and Observer cartoon has been topped. Not sure if that’s good or bad.

    I’ve got sense of humor but somehow this cartoon and State Fans Nation don’t seem to go together. We catch enough hell from tarholes — why fall on our sword?

  10. Cardiff Giant 09/13/2006 at 3:20 PM #

    ^ I respect your view, but let’s be honest: We didn’t “fall on our sword,” either through this fun-poking or otherwise. Chuck manufactured a sword and then stuck it into his own guts.

  11. cfpack03 09/13/2006 at 3:26 PM #

    Cardiff, I think you forgot the subtle coack-k-comparison-to-hitler that you usually include

  12. BJD95 09/13/2006 at 3:28 PM #


  13. Cardiff Giant 09/13/2006 at 3:29 PM #

    cfpack03, I thought about that, but it didn’t flow correctly. Let me see what I can do….

  14. BoKnowsNCS71 09/13/2006 at 3:30 PM #

    Respect your view also. Maybe a picture of the real Bagdad Bob would have been better. Or mayb instead of Al-Sahaf — you could have called this guy otama.

  15. redfred2 09/13/2006 at 3:32 PM #

    ^ I cannot take credit for the picture. It was not my work.

    Hell Giant Bob, why the boy scout-like confession? Take credit and bask in the limelight of not creating something. I’ll bet Chuck is wishin he could join you.

  16. Cardiff Giant 09/13/2006 at 3:32 PM #

    OK, I put in the requisite K-Hitler comparison. Check the last lines. Never let it be said I do not respond to comments.

  17. cfpack03 09/13/2006 at 3:47 PM #


    …dbr servers crash in approx 30 – 45 mins.

  18. for2n8son 09/13/2006 at 4:17 PM #

    It’s hard for others to get any satisfaction out of laughing at you if you are laughing harder at yourself than they are. You have to admit this is a great parody. Even the coach should to get a Chuckle out of it.

  19. BoKnowsNCS71 09/13/2006 at 4:56 PM #

    Chuck — chuckle? He’d probably blow a gasket.

    Laughing at yourself is one thing. Using someone else and their picture as the butt of the humor is not (to me).

    What’s next? Otama ben luzen (leader of the al qualifya) hiding in the Boring Boring mountains to avoid the heat seeking verbal missiles of his enemies?

    Chuck stuck his foot in his mouth. Yes. Blame that on the heat of the moment. He’ll learn and move forward — a bit better for it.

  20. bTHEredterror 09/13/2006 at 6:05 PM #

    Maybe truer now than ever Giant. The allegory works on many levels. Denial of the truth or embellishment of events, repetitive propaganda in an attempt to brainwash, accusations of subterfuge to avoid accountability. Our coach does sometimes come off kinda like a fascist information minister. The allegory even works to the extent it affects the perception of us as fans similarly to perception of the Iraqi’s under Saddam. The embargo (on wins) may soon follow.

  21. johnny 09/13/2006 at 7:12 PM #

    funny- good hire by fowler

  22. redfred2 09/13/2006 at 8:16 PM #


    You might not like the topic, but you have the brand down pat!

  23. BoKnowsNCS71 09/13/2006 at 9:46 PM #

    This is a lot better SFN.

    ^Red Topic is ok. the pic was not. Not sure what you mean about brand?

  24. jncope 09/13/2006 at 9:48 PM #

    That was the funniest and incidentally, the most accurate (in a weird sort of way), think I have read in many moons. Thanks.

  25. redfred2 09/13/2006 at 10:33 PM #


    Brand of humor.

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