RALEIGH, NC (AP)
North Carolina State University Director of Athletics Lee Fowler announced today the creation of an “All-Star Search Committee” to find a replacement for departed basketball coach Herb Sendek. Fowler announced that the committee was “yet another example” of what he called “great advice” from former Wolfpack basketball coach Les Robinson, whom Fowler consulted during his previous, failed attempts to draw a big name coach to the school.
Robinson, now Director of Athletics at the Citadel, the military college of South Carolina, brings what Fowler called a “winner’s mentality” to the coaching search, even though Robinson compiled what many call a disastrous 78-98 record at NC State and for years hosted the former ACC tournament “play-in” game known as the Les Robinson Invitational. “Don’t let things like records fool you,” Fowler said. “Les Robinson knows what’s best for NC State basketball, and he’s put together a super committee of proven winners to find the greatest coach out there who hasn’t already turned us down. His search committee shows my … er, our … efforts to leave no stone unturned in finding the very best America has to offer.
Robinson announced the other members of the “All-Star” search committee as follows:
Former Vice President of the United States under President Carter, and later ambassador to Japan, Mondale provides what Robinson called “the statesman’s point of view – and a winner’s” to the coaching search.
Mondale famously lost the 1984 presidential election to President Ronald Reagan in a historic landslide, winning only the District of Columbia and his home state of Minnesota – a feat which, Robinson said, proves Mondale as “a born gamer” who brings the “right perspective.” Mondale himself said he was “delighted to help” but questioned precisely where “Carolina State” was and wondered aloud whether it had many minorities.
Admiral Husband D. Kimmel
Kimmel, the American naval commander caught by surprise during the infamous Japanese sneak attack on Pearl Harbor, Hawaii, in December 1941, is a “first rate military mind” who “showed great moral character in continuing to assert the supremacy of the battleship and in showing uncanny ability to roll with the punches.” Robinson pronounced himself “unconcerned” that subsequent hearings found Kimmel negligent in his conduct at Pearl Harbor, saying, “I’ve presided over many a disaster myself, and so far the sun’s always come up the next day.” Kimmel himself, when reached for comment, said he was most happy to be alive and not, as widely reported, dead since 1968 or so.
The 1991 Raleigh-Durham Skyhawks
“When you think of tough Raleigh summer football,” said Lee Fowler, “you think one word: Skyhawks.”
The former WLAF team, which compiled a “stunningly inept” (per official league history) record of 0-11 during its one season playing in Carter-Finley Stadium in the summer, without beer, exemplifies “toughness in the face of adversity,” said Robinson. Former N.C. State great Roman Gabriel, on record as having coached the Skyhawks, officially denies any connection with the team and said reports listing him as head coach are “out of context.”
The former British Prime Minister who appeased Nazi Germany and betrayed Czechoslovakia in return for “Peace In Our Time,” is, Robinson said, the key to “success in NC State’s time.” Chamberlain’s “first-rate negotiation skills,” Robinson said, will help NC State hire a coach who not only wants to compete with UNC and Duke, but to “understand their positions, much like Mr. Chamberlain understood that, deep down, all Mr. Hitler wanted was peace and fairness.” Chamberlain, who declined to comment on reports that he was, in fact, dead, said his primary concern was that “nobody got hurt over all this.”
Tarantini, the NC State men’s soccer coach, will serve as a part-time “in-house expert” on finding “someone who can recruit in the Raleigh area,” Robinson said.
“What is this CASL thing you keep talking about?”
Most famous for causing over 12,000 Union dead in repeated frontal assaults on entrenched Confederate forces at the Battle of Fredericksburg in 1862, Burnside is “the living … sort of … symbol of tenacity, the stick-to-it spirit we need in a successful basketball coach,” Robinson said.
Moreover, Robinson said, the historical record is “a little exaggerated … I doubt the man killed more than ten thousand people in those attacks, and why do you think the South eventually ran out of ammunition in 1865? Thank General Burnside for that one.”
“We needed someone who knows the ins and outs of ACC basketball victory, and no one knows that better than Bob Staak,” Robinson said of the former Wake Forest basketball coach who produced records of 8-21, 14-15, 10-18, and 13-15 from 1986 to 1989. But Staak’s true virtue, Robinson said, is helping NC State find a coach who, like Staak himself, produces “consistent results … Bob was very consistent during his time at Wake Forest, and we want to see that kind of stable consistency at NC State.” When asked whether four years of losing records is really something NC State wants to emulate, Robinson is nonchalant: “As a very smart man once said, this is all about the relationship thingies.”
The United Nations Peacekeeping Forces
“When you have to mix strength with understanding, and results are the test of competence, then like every other red-blooded American my first thought is ‘United Nations Peacekeepers’,” Robinson said. “When bad men have done bad things around the globe, the United Nations Peacekeeping forces, from the snows of Kosovo to the heat of Rwanda, always get the job done.”
“Run away! Run away!”
When asked precisely what wars the United Nations Peacekeepers had actually stopped, Robinson said, “You know, the thing in South America, with the hatchets.” Through an interpreter, UN Peacekeeping commander Yves-Jacques Craven (pronounced, Cray-VAN) stated, “the most important thing is that nobody gets too excited about all of this.”
William Jennings Bryan
This three-time Democratic nominee for President of the United States, whose record for futile attempts at achieving the presidency has stood intact for over one hundred years, gives us the “valuable perspective of the seasoned public servant, someone who knows what the people want,” Robinson said. “He talks pretty too, with all that crown of thorns and cross of gold stuff, and I have to say, if you don’t like the idea of Silver for Free, there’s something wrong with you.” Bryan, through a medium, said, “all of this was fine with him.”
“And finally, I can’t tell you how happy I am that the great nation of France, with its tradition of victory going back to the days of Charles Martel, is joining the NC State coaching search committee,” Robinson said. “A nation that can look back with pride to the Rainbow Warrior, Dien Bien Phu, Algeria, the Maginot Line, Waterloo, Trafalgar, the Battle of Nile, Crecy, and Agincourt, just to name a few, is a true ‘All Star” – or should I say, l’etoile complait – for our search committee.”
The French, Robinson said, knew how to “connect” with the average American and can help ensure that the next NC State coach is, “you know, a regular guy.”