Has your favorite sports message board been overtaken by the cries of “Fire the Bum� and the counter-argument “Support our Coach�? Are you ready to drive off of the Information Superhighway to avoid the redundant drivel? Have you considered posting a warning sign for unsuspecting travelers: “Abandon hope, all ye who enter here�?
Experienced cyber-surfers are well aware of the various “Flame Warriors� that inhabit internet discussion groups. Sports message boards have a few additional species that are detailed below. Seasoned readers of sports boards will no doubt recognize many of the frequent posters on their favorite board. For the less experienced readers, you can use this list to identify the various characters that are already on your newest board….just another public service from SFN.
MINOR WARRIORS
We’ll start our classifications with several fairly weak warriors. Their arguments are tired and lame…but they are all too common.
Excuse Generator
No loss is ever the coach’s fault. If you don’t believe me, just ask the EG….he will explain it to you. If a coaching controversy is not brewing, the EG will find a beleaguered player or assistant to support. This warrior rarely wins a battle but is also nearly impossible to defeat….because he never runs out of excuses.
Wizard of IF
Somewhat related to the EG, the Wizard of IF is a master of alternate realities. He peers into the past, speculates about changing one or two things (or drags out old lines from the EG), and tries to make past defeats disappear. The Wizard of IF is not a particularly strong warrior, but is rarely defeated…simply because no one is willing to wade into his strange mixture of facts and fantasy to do battle.
Nitpicker
The coach can not do anything correctly….even if the team has won. The Nitpicker explains this after each and every game. The Nitpicker is really in his element after a loss and will drone on and on until the next game.
Roster Watcher
Scarred in his youth by his attempts to participate in youth recreation leagues, the Roster Watcher closely charts the appearance or absence of every player on the team….especially Billy Blue Chip. Many losses can be directly tied to the coach’s improper use of the bench or failure to “develop� the players….and the RW is quick to point this “fact� out to anyone foolish enough to listen to him.
Flipper
Flipper changes sides so often that you never know which side he is on at any given moment. In general, no one ever engages the Flipper in battle. Why bother?….he’ll be back on your side in a few days.
Sheep & Pollyanna
The last two groups do not really qualify as Flame Warriors….they’re really more like obstacles littering the battle field. They are often confused with stumps and with each other:
Sheep only believe what they read from “official� sources. Sometimes this only includes the drivel dispensed by an “official� team source, sometimes it might extend to newspapers/magazines, and occasionally will extend to on-line news sources. However, never expect Sheep to draw their own conclusions no matter the source of their information. They merely parrot whatever conclusions have been drawn for them.
Pollyanna’s are most often seen in the off-season. They blissfully drone on and on and about the glories that will be witnessed next year. Problems or problem areas are ignored because the coach will have everything magically fixed by next season. Players who weren’t good enough to play last season will have a break-out season next year. If Pollyanna is to be believed, every player on the team will play a key role next season. When the season finally arrives, Pollyanna disappears as soon as reality sets in.
MAJOR WARRIORS
The following species are the major players in the coaching battles.
Historian
This species can be found on either side of the argument. The standard attack draws parallels between the current coaching staff and those from the past (any team, school, sport, or era). The conclusion is that the current coach is destined to follow the exact same path…either to glory or disgrace.
Regardless of which side of the argument he is on, this species cannot see the logical fallacy in this entire line of argument. Just because something happened before is no guarantee or even indication that it will happen again. As a frustrated student once said, “History never repeats itself, historians just repeat each other�.
Prophet
The anti-thesis to the Historian is the Prophet. The Prophet can also be found on both sides of the argument and disdains the use of logic or statistics. This species has the magical ability to peer into the future and is all too willing to share his visions with the rest of us. No explanation is ever given as to why the Prophet with his unique ability inhabits the internet instead of Wall Street or Las Vegas.
The mystical visions from the Prophet of WTNY (Wait ‘til Next Year…or the year after) are shrouded in vague statements such as the coach “bleeds garnet and gold�, he “works tirelessly for the team�, or he has “great potential�. The Prophet of WTNY can be confused with Pollyanna during the off-season, but remember that Pollyanna disappears once reality sets in…the Prophet drones on even in the middle of a bad season or losing streak.
The Prophet of the Apocalypse proclaims that the coach “can never win the Big One� or that “our team is doomed to failure as long as he is here�. This prophet often joins forces with the Historian as he grasps for straws to help support his visions.
Stat-King
Stat-King uses long lists of “facts� to support his proclamation of “trends� and his ultimate conclusion. The selective use of facts and arcane trivia allows the Stat-King to participate in both sides of the argument. Stat-King vs Stat-King inevitably leads to the comparison of “pedigrees� and the declaration that the “other Stat-King� is clearly incompetent.
When a line of reasoning starts with “even an idiot can see� or “someone with only half-a-brain could see�, doesn’t that mean that the author may be an idiot or have only half-a-brain?
May Fly
In the world of entomology, the adult (or winged) May Fly lives for a short time during the month of May. On the internet, the May Fly lives for 24-48 hours after every game, regardless of the final score. They are manageable during winning periods, but quickly become tiresome as the losses begin to mount. If the coach is untouchable, the May Flies swarm around assistants or players until a scapegoat is found. The May Flies also serve as a warning. The longer they are unhappy, the greater the chances that a coaching controversy is looming.
The May Fly is especially irritating when the message board is entrenched in battle over the current coach. Every victory, no matter how weak the opponent, justifies supporting the current coach. Every loss is further proof that the coach needs to call his realtor immediately.
Defender of the Faith
The righteous Defender leads the support of the current regime. He is multi-faceted, having mastered the arguments of Stat-King, Historian, and the Prophet. Players, past coaching staffs, current assistants, opposing coaches (acting in conspiracy), the media, the Powers that Be (PTB), and the referees are blamed separately or in combination for the team’s losses. For the Defender, the current head coach is merely a victim of circumstances that he will correct. The words “ostrich�, “sand�, “smoke�, and certain body parts are often included in personal attacks against the Defender.
A somewhat related species is the Defender of the Past Regime. These posters will fight-to-the-death over any perceived slight to the “memory� of a previous coach. The Defender may even fight for the coach that was “wrongly� dismissed by the PTB. This particular species often ignores Stat-King but can be found allied with Historian or Wizard of IF.
Crusader
Matching the religious fervor of the Defender, the Crusader constantly attacks the current coaching regime. The Crusader hopes to somehow influence the PTB to remove the obviously incompetent coach. He is adept at all of the standard arguments, but generally prefers Stat-King combined with Prophet. The Crusader sees himself as King Richard, leading his troops on a noble quest. Comparisons to a lynch mob or cross-burning clansmen are often made in counter-attacks against the Crusader.
A related species is the Crusader for the Savior. These posters not only have decided to fire the current coach, they have all but hired his replacement. All that remains is to get the PTB to see things their way. The Crusader for the Savior utilizes any and all techniques to chart the path to the Promised Land.
-
NOTE: Both the Defender and the Crusader are easily recognized by the sheer volume and sometimes length of their posts. Not content with a single thread, both of these species prefer to keep many threads rolling at the same time. No thread is safe from these two…any topic can be quickly dragged into their favorite arena.
CONCLUSION
Unfortunately, the great coaching debates are never truly over and go on hiatus for only short periods of time. There are only a handful coaches that can be considered untouchable by the inhabitants of the darker corners of the internet. Nearly everyone else is fair game for a lively debate.
Now for the real conclusions:
Did you find yourself and think that I was personally attacking you? If you are so clueless that you can’t laugh at yourself, then chances are that we won’t get along very well. Please move onto some other place on the internet.
Did you find the message board characters that most irritate you? If so, I hope that you got a good chuckle.
Did you find yourself in the list and also get a chuckle? If so, then you are my kind of people and I hope to hear from you….on this or on future entries. At SFN, we are always interested in hearing from people mature enough to handle the truth and to discuss it intelligently.
