Gregg Doyel’s Complaint
(With apologies to Philip Roth)
Norman, Oklahoma, 1970
Greggy, age 6, is walking down the street with Daddy. Daddy is a ‘fessor of the laws, which Greggy doesn’t know about except that the janitor where Daddy works takes off his cap and says, “Morning, Sir.” All Greggy knows is that he has his new ball and the sun is shining brightly.
Then Daddy stops to say hello to the neighbor, Professor Snik, and his dog Thunder. “Snik,‿says Daddy. “How are you! Greggy, you play with Thunder while we talk.‿ The adults converse, and their talk, to Greggy, is Charlie Brown discourse: “Wah-WAH, wah wah-wah-wah-wah.‿
Thunder bounds up to Greggy, who is a little scared, but says, “Nice doggy.‿ Thunder puts his paws on Greggy’s shoulders, and forces him to the ground. The adults notice nothing.
Thunder presses Greggy to the grass, his hot breath on Greggy’s face, his saliva dripping in Greggy’s eyes. “Nuh-nuh … NO!‿ Greggy gasps, as Thunder pins him to the ground. Greggy begins to scream, a sharp sound like glass breaking.
Thunder marks his territory, peeing in great gushes on Greggy’s crimson football jersey. Greggy, drowning in dog pee, screams louder.
“What the hell, Snik!‿ Daddy says. “What kind of dog is that, peeing all over my son?‿
“I don’t understand it, Doyel,‿ Snik says. “Wolfhounds never pee on people. Amazing.”
On Greggy’s jersey, the humiliating stain widens.
Oxford, Mississippi, 1986
The boy in the red shirt charges out the backfield. Gregg, defensive end for the Oxford Rebels, is ready. It is the second day of football practice, full contact.
The boy in the red shirt feints, twists, and Gregg is down, slapped between the eyes with a sweat-crusted Bike arm pad that is hardened by sweat and Mississippi sun into armor plate. He’s hit in the right – the wrong – place, and axons and dendrites misfire, cross-connect, and shut down.
Gregg writhes in the Ole Miss heat, nerves useless. He lies in the wet grass and cold chalk line, and looks up at the boy in the red shirt, the red shirt which says, “N.C. State Wolfpack.” Adrenal overload, system collapse, fear-sweat in a soaking stain – immovable, unmistakeable.
“Time to join the cheerleading squad, Gregg,‿ says Coach. “We don’t need girls on this team.‿
The humiliating stain widens.
Jacksonville, Florida, 1991
“It’s a common problem, Mr. Doyel,‿ says the infirmary doctor. “No need to be alarmed. Many young men your age suffer from ejaculatio praecox .‿
“But the girls are laughing at me,‿ Gregg whines. “I can’t go on like this.‿
“It’s just one of those things,‿ says the doctor, busy now, ready to go on to the next patient. Gregg sees the doctor’s degrees on the wall of the small office. One reads, “North Carolina State University.‿
“Did you go to N.C. State?‿ Gregg asks. The doctor, writing out a ticket to the Mental Health Center, does not respond.
Later that night, it happens again. She laughs, leaves him in the middle of it. Gregg sits, devastated. The humiliating stain widens.
Charlotte, North Carolina, 2002
“It’s not that I don’t love you, Greggy,‿ she says, standing against the bar at The Graduate. “It’s just that I need more out of a relationship than you give me.‿
“Is there someone else?‿ Gregg asks, anguished.
“I need more,‿ she says. Gregg, frustrated, slams his beer down on the bar. The glass breaks; liquid begins to flow.
“I have to go,‿ she says. Leaving no time for talk, she gets up and walks rapidly to the door. A man is standing there. The man is wearing an N.C. State sweatshirt. She takes his hand; they leave together.
Gregg begins to sob. The spilled beer has soaked his lap. The humiliating stain widens.
CBS, May 2006.
“Sendek is gone. And soon, if there is a God in that Carolina blue heaven, Wolfpack basketball will follow,‿ Gregg writes, sweating as he pounds the keyboard. The sweat drips, puddles, pools.
The humiliating stain widens.
23 Responses to “Gregg Doyel’s Complaint”
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02/09/2007
WiqaFp Really appreciate you sharing this article. Fantastic.
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04/22/2007
[...] Before you click on them, you need to realize that they are both written by Gregg Dickhead Doyel. Therefore, we understand if you choose not to click the links. [...]
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07/05/2007
[...] I know that you hate Greg D**. We all do. [...]
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07/23/2007
[...] Lest you develop concerns for my mental well-being over those two disjointed paragraphs, let me tie them together. Bob Holiday at WRAL and I have completely different memories on ACC expansion plans and projections, If we give Bob the benefit of the doubt concerning possible Doyel tendencies, let’s see what you remember about ACC expansion plans and projections. [...]
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12/27/2007
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I can not agree with you in 100% regarding some thoughts, but you got good point of view
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Don’t overlook his Andy Katz complex, either. Not that Katz is always so dead on, but I’ve got to imagine he garners a hell of a lot more respect among coaches and other people in the game. Doyel’s just a bitter little wienie spouting off hate mail in the corner.
Hell, I just think he’s a loser and wanted to make fun of him. He’s a great object of mockery.
Thank you, SNF. For years, I have contemplated the source of Greg Doyel’s hostile psyche. Thanks for informing us!
Doyel is straight?
SFN…..didn’t your mothers tell you its not nice to poke fun of the kids that ride the short bus?
You forgot to mention that Greggy is only 3′ 6″ tall because he is a mental midget.
Related Comments
The humiliating stain widens.
Great line.
SFN…..didn’t your mothers tell you its not nice to poke fun of the kids that ride the short bus?
Every once in a while, it becomes necessary to shoot fish in a barrel. GD is more than obnoxious enough to qualify for both barrels.
This is a family site, so I won’t talk about the strainer growing on his chin.
LOL. This is priceless.
From a Brickyard photoshop thread:
http://img100.imageshack.us/img100/3723/ncsuapril20062qw.jpg
So that explains it… SFN- I love the site and appreciate all the time you guys spend on these articles. I just thought it was a little strange you guys have Doyel’s column linked when you usually do not like to link his stories.
Cardiff, your genius is much appreciated! Still, I think you could have gotten *even closer to the truth* had you chosen a certain other work by Roth as your starting point.
Q.v. this snippet from the back of the book in question:
http://img46.imageshack.us/img46/1462/rothgreggbio7zv.jpg
^ Gregg’s journey hasn’t ended. Like Richard Sharpe, Gregg will march again – until he too ends up at Waterloo.
Gregg coudn’t make it as Beavis, so we’re stuck with him.
Vituperative calumny — that is Doyel’s trade.
He is good at that, at least.
So he’s the new Golenbock?
Doyel is listed as a media expert in the links?!?!?!